Sanity?

A Sound of Trumpets


I'd like to start things off with a question, have you ever tucked yourself in, and told yourself, you didn't care if you woke up? If this sort of content disturbs you, or you would rather have a better day, then you should stop reading here. There may be some positivity near the end though. Wink, wink.


My life feels like I've been having a mental breakdown for the last 5 years. 5 years... Well 5 in December. Little anniversary of cannon balling straight into a bottle of GHB. Down in minutes, and then to the hospital. Stopped breathing. I am blessed to still be here, one thought I keep handy. To be honest, I was a monster digging a hole straight to the depths themselves. Sudden realization must of been like a shotgun blast to the mind. To quote Mr. Robot,

"People walk around acting like they know what hate means. Nah. No one does until you hate yourself... I mean, truly hate yourself.

All that being said, I can't even remember what I felt like back then, anymore. Who was I? Why did I do such things? It's almost like I was hibernating and some other person carried on, and sought out destruction. All I remember is the loss of feeling. It's been on and off. Until a little while ago, I was again gone. Lost to who knows where. Fuck, I even had someone stare me in the eyes and ask, "you do feel, right?" What is there one could say in such situation? But here I am again, crawling out of the pit I've been digging my whole life. It's all me. I've caused my life to crash at least 3 times now. Drugs sure have helped, yet they've also helped pull me out. Odd double standard. Somethings I've learned over the years of crashing are, chaos leads to change and order leads to stability. One must destroy their corrupted life before they can be free.

I can't tell when I went to bed, like I woke from a coma. I can remember my greatest of times, those moments when I was allowed joy, but most memories from the past few years are blurry. Hard to even concentrate on them. Part of me feels like they don't even exist. Blissful, I must say. Now I can think on the positive. Like this, here I am typing out my thoughts, and there you are reading what I write, thus understanding how I think. A doorway to my inner most brain. Never knew this door even existed until two years ago. Sad thing is, this whole state of mind has hindered relationships across the board. I get a sense that people don't even know who I am anymore. Well you all can join the club. Maybe we can find out together? To be absolutely honest, I am quite content. I feel new and improved. Now the journey can continue.